Sarcastic Narcissism

I was recently called a fraudulent source for dating advice and a narcissist because I only post good and seemingly inflated things about my marriage. Bold, huh? I was caught off guard, too. I don’t think I put that much forethought into my social media posts to even consider myself a narcissist. That’d be a ton of effort and seriously, ain’t nobody got time for that. Regardless, I’m pretty sure our laundry WREAKS like the worst of gym bags once drenched in sweat. And I’m also POSITIVE there is always a reference to something bad or negative. But a narcissist??? C’mon! Holy, so. much. hard. work in marriage. 

So, please, tell me why I should air it all out instead of cleaning it up behind the scenes (sometimes not so quietly, when it comes to arguing with my spouse)? The community of people I call friends and family are the only lucky ones who get to smell that nasty. Sorry, not sorry. 

I guess I’ll just instigate all the  narcissism ... I want to hear about your wins. I want to hear about your success. I want to hear about your kids first words and the new jewelry your husband bought you just because. I want to know you’re happy, when you’re happy. I want to see all the sport pictures and music or dance recital pictures. I want to hear about that hope from those “one day” dreamers. I want to drool over your picturesque photos that you took on the vacation you’ve been saving up for. 

But... it wouldn’t be true narcissism if we didn’t address the bad, now would it?

I want to hear about your struggles, too. Whatever you want to share. If nothing, that’s okay! I want to hear how your heart hurts or you were diagnosed with cancer. How you’re struggling to make it as a single parent or how you’re struggling to parents or to become a parent. I want an opportunity to love you and to pray for you ... even if it’s through social media, not a cookie bouquet. 

The people who NEED to know the gory details (us and God and our community), they know. I share everything I am comfortable sharing and will continue to because #merica. Am I right? Mainly to keep in touch with those we love and who love us. Oh, and because love languages - public words of affirmation bring my husband and I to a loving, common ground. It gives us the chance to knock our walls down and to love each other wholly, without encumbrance. Now is that so bad? You can click unfollow if it ails you so. No hard feelings, bro. 

Happy posting, friends! #sarcasticnarcissist 

Summer 2018 Recap

Okay. Back to this blogging thing. Every year... let's be real... every month I tell myself, "This is when you'll start to be consistent with writing." But, you know what? The only thing I am consistent at is keeping a list of "blog ideas" in a note on my iphone. I know, #smh.

However, I am here. Although I have a TON of blog ideas, I still don't really even know where to begin. I think I'll do a little catching up of our summer, since it is technically "back to school" and I know as well as the next guy that the average reader of these things are nosy little buggers. Give the people what they want!

April-May 2018 - I went from full-time, super swamped, overwhelmed working momma of two, to putting in notice as a last ditch effort to keep my family together.

Of course notice would last two whole months but hey, I got to go down to part time! Oh, cue ALL THE FEELS. It was hard. Letting go of something near and dear to you, having to say goodbye to people you'd grown close to over the past few years, wrestling with lots of emotions and feelings at home and at the office. I had never felt so out of place and forced against my will. But, I knew I had to stick it out and see it through. Even if I  ended up going back to work a month after my last day (that's a clue). I had to save my marriage. I had to save my family. Wow. Talk about truth bombs.

June 2018 - I reached my last day and came home to my babies. Lucky for us, we kicked it off with a trip to Vegas with just my husband and I - talk about much needed. That was the beginning of several adventures for me this summer. Side bar: We had been talking about expanding... our family... and now #VEGASBABY has a new meaning. Yes, baby girl will be here in February!!! Video link for your entertainment...

We went to Dallas for market so I could pick things up with the boutique (www.LucyGrant.com) and ventured over to Tyler for my cousins baby shower. She had twins and I am DYING to meet them! Greg got food poisoning, so that was NOT fun. Oh, and we almost had a blow out on the way home - thank god for 24 hour tire men!

We went to Disney World - phew, lots to say about that. Overall it was an experience that we will not soon forget. We were so appreciative of the gift from my parents (it was a Christmas gift) and the kids had a blast. We will be going back... but not for a bit.

Also, in June, we decided to sell our house! We had been casually looking, because who doesn't love to stalk Realtor.com and dream? But when baby #3 was confirmed - it was game on.

July 2018 - Our house sold within DAYS... DAYS! Talk about awesome but equally stressful. We went through some back and forth on one house, bailed on it, then found the house we ultimately purchased and are absolutely LOVING it.

Remember when I said I went on a few more adventures and that I might go back to work? I had a girls trip to College Station with some friends which was nice but quick - we had JUST moved into our house... and being pregnant on a girls trip just isn't quite the same, you know what I'm saying! Then we took a trip down to Port Aransas and stayed at Port Royal (who else called it Port Royale growing up?!?!) for my birthday - the big 3-1 whoop! You guys, they need help. Stay there. Spend money. That little town is struggling to get back what Hurricane Harvey took from it. Lastly, I started back to work. Different company, same concept, part time hours. It's been great. I haven't been able to put in as much as I would like but I feel human when I am working so that's fabulous!

August 2018 - Another girls trip to San Diego and LA with my bestie!! It was a blast. Already looking forward to the next one! I am so thankful for this time with my friend. More on this. I can't write everything in one post, you guys. We had some set backs with the house... AC repairs, new windows (delayed, twice), broken sewage main (barf!). However, everything is fixed, the poop is back flowing to where it belongs, and our home is nice and cool in this gazillion degree weather we have here in southeast Houston. Lastly, we celebrated 5 years of marriage! Three of the five, I've been pregnant - hoping that trend changes soon haha But more on this marriage stuff later!

Here we are, all caught up! Till next time, my dear hearts.

A letter to new mommas

Dear pregnant/new mom:

I've been thinking about you because I had and still have those same exact feelings of anxiety that you're struggling with before baby arrives. I also struggle with trying to be perfect. In my world, there isn't room for failure. Now that I am a parent, all I seem to do is fail and it's wearing on me.

I don't know if what I am about to say will make a whole lot of sense. I do wish, however, someone had told me these things before now. It's basically a lot of confessing and admitting the downfalls that I have as a person and as a parent.

Lately, the anxiety and the worry about being "good enough" and raising my kids the right way - being kind, with listening ears and obeying hearts - is through the roof. G is at the age where he is testing every possible limit, figuring his own way around his 2 year old world, and learning some hard lessons with lots of tears along the way. On the flip side, he is still the sweetest little kid and I am blessed that he is mine. However, the devil is really at work right now. In church a few Sundays ago, the pastor read a scripture that essentially said demons knew Jesus was the Holy One, Son of God. Satan knows where the links are the weakest in that moment and when to strike.  Praying through fear, praying through weakness has never been easy for me. In my experience, the enemy usually comes at me with a full on assault of my marriage and my self image. Satan knows where God is and he knows when and what to whisper into our desperate ears. He can worm his way into hearts that are desperately trying to overcome fear, desperately wanting to do the right thing, and desperately trying to hold it all together - these are a few of the many examples our world as a parent seem to hang by threads.

I don't say all of that to freak you out. I say it to remind you that God is with you, He is in your marriage, He is a cry out away. And so are your friends and family.

I have a confession: Good parenting is really, really difficult. Keyword here is "good". If it is hard, you're doing something right. I know that sounds crazy and like an oxymoron, but I know it to be true. I can't give you a special formula to get rid of the anxiety or the struggle to be the perfect mom. All I can say is that parenting is an adventure. It is full of the highest highs and some of the lowest lows. It is full of celebration and full of tears. It is the most rewarding job on the planet.

I mainly want you to know that you're not alone. It isn't talked about enough but please remember that there are other moms struggling right along with you and it is okay to reach out and to ask for help. I still don't know how to reach out all the time - to raise the white flag and ask for help. I'm getting there, though. I know that every time I get the courage to confide in someone that I come out feeling not quite as lost or alone. I also know the enemy tries even harder so keep your chin up and your prayers coming! Your spouse will be a major support to you but you'll also find that sometimes you will need a friend or family member to speak truth to you.

The ride is only beginning and I cannot wait for you to see and experience all that God has in store. I'm literally giddy with excitement for you! 

He is still there

These days we are definitely in the 'thick' of things. I have seriously confided in few and opened up to many about the struggle that is parenting a 2 year old and worrying if he is destined to be a little jerk forever. You know what is really disappointing? Very few, maybe 1 person, reassured me that "He is still there". What do I mean, you ask?

Us parents have all seen those days and those moments where your nice, sweet, loving and easy going 2 year old seems to be overtaken by some form of demon child. It is tough, so hard, to parent through those times. You might want to perform an exorcism or call The Nanny (you know, that show) or a child psychiatrist to help "diagnose" them. You might also want to throw them out the window or beat them to a pulp - you know I'm right.

Of all the momma's and daddy's I've talked to, most respond with things like:
- Oh, terrible 2's!
- Yep, welcome to the twonage year
- That's parenting for you
- Toughen up

Ouch.

So, I'm here to encourage you! I want to remind you that your sweet, loving, kindhearted little baby is still in there... somewhere. I want to remind you that this is NORMAL. Yes, you might need to toughen up (I do!). Yes, you might have to accept that your child isn't perfect. However, I promise you will get through this tough time. Your molding and forming a strong, independent little person. One day you will be glad that they learned the word "NO" and that they learned to stand up for themselves. In the mean time, during this really difficult time, remember that your baby is still there. They love you and need you and require guidance and an equal amount of grace.

Just like evil can easily pull our eyes from God, so can being wrapped up in the "bad" of our children. Remember, they are broken and sinners just like us and they need lots of love and lots of teaching.

Oh, and give yourself some grace, too! Hang in there - the days are long but the years are short.

Insane Expectations

Yesterday was a big deal. The 15th of February, to be exact. Yesterday, four years ago, my man asked me to be his forever. Obviously, I said yes and here we are, doing this thing called life and rockin' it (read: fakin' it till we make it)!

Even though yesterday was like most days, between work, a toddler and a baby - it was insane and overly eventful. To say that we were tired and ready to give up, throw on our pajamas, eat ice cream out of the carton, not say a word to one another and slowly drift off to sleep after staring at our phones for an hour...is an understatement. But, we did it. We got through the day, we adulted, we went to community group, we put on happy faces. Unfortunately, we still went to bed without a word to one another. Real talk. Real life.

The worst part about yesterday, such a special day, was that I was mad at him most of it. I woke up this morning thinking, "here we go," fed the baby and got to work. Then I started to think, while the house was still quiet, and I realized that I wanted a do-over. I wanted to try again at yesterday because I have this insane expectation of my husband that is totally unfair to him. I expect him to be a mind reader, a fortune teller, Gilligan and the millionaire. Kidding.

Stress is a killer... it's a snake that comes in and steals joy and sucks the life right out of us! Who handles stress as poorly as I do?? I am going to imagine that a sea of hands are raised because I do NOT want to be alone in this.

Another question, why do we treat those closest to us, the worst? He is an amazingly perceptive guy, way better than I am. He knows when I am failing and always rescues me from my own catastrophes. He does all. the. things. All the things, and more! So why was/am I so harsh? Why did I let stress impact our special day?

Who do you have insane expectations set for, if anyone? How can we get a grip and come back to earth?

I think my post about grace hits the nail on the head. Grace for self and grace for others goes a really long way. I also know I have to change my outlook on stress, to see it as a challenge and a way to grow instead of as a hindrance and total buzz kill. Lastly, I know I need to respect and love and cherish the man that got down on one knee and asked me to be his wife.

So today I am giving myself a second chance - whether he likes it or not - and I am going to be better than I was yesterday. I am going to make myself slow down, to have a conversation with him, to kiss and hug him when we get home and to not jump down his throat if my day ends up in the garbage.