Wiser, just not older

I’ve wanted to write something like this for so many YEARS but never had the courage. I was once a 20- something with goals of being the CEO, helping to grow teams of people and an organization that was “going places”. Maybe it’s because I’m 31 now, clearly not a 20-Something. Maybe it’s because my life looks SO different than what I imagined and I’m loving this season and definitely believe God knows what He is doing. Maybe it’s because I don’t work at the place where a lot of these thoughts stem from. I have hesitated because I didn’t want to come off as disgruntled, though there is surely room for that, or immature, because that’s  the exact image I’m fighting against. 

I have worked (paid, unpaid, along side friends and family, as a volunteer, etc) with so many different types of people. Amazing people, despite differences. Younger people. Older people. People from all cultures, backgrounds, and walks of life. 

You have too, I’m sure! 

I have to say though, the people I enjoy being around and working with most are those who genuinely value me, my opinions and ideas, and who know my worth even more than I do.  Not just bosses or leaders that I’ve come to admire and respect, but certain peers as well. 

This isn’t to make myself feel better. No, this is for all those “other” people. Those people who look at the age of a person, their seemingly “limited” experience, even the way someone looks, and let’s not forget the gender factor. I’ve caught myself, one way or another, apologizing for my age, for my lack of experience in whatever the person was looking for, for the fact that I look even younger than my actual 20-Something age, and even for the fact that ... yep, I’m a woman. 

Crazy, right? I agree. 

What’s even more absurd is the fact that I’ve ever, EVER even felt the need to feel apologetic about those things. There were so many good ideas missed and passed over because of those few things mentioned above. So for the “others” here is some advice, culminating from YEARS of being passed over:

First and foremost, don’t EVER pass someone over based on their age, looks, gender, or past experience. Organizations are not “good ole boy” clubs. If you’re younger, remember who gave you a shot and keep in mind that they’re the reason you’re even in the position you’re in. If millinnials annoy you because they seem to only complain, maybe you’re just not listening or maybe you’re not helping them understand. If your allegiance is to a group of people who don’t embrace change, are afraid of and intimidated by younger people with less experience, and/or who don’t have a growth mindset and you’re too feeble to invite others in to that group, you’re going to struggle. If your job is to generate growth then you better learn to embrace trials, errors, ideas, opinions and change. Your greatest asset will be listening to your team and empowering individuals - from the receptionist to the CEO - so learn how to do that, quickly. 

If you see a spark in someone, cultivate it! Don’t put it out because they intimidate you and because you have the power to do so. Embrace and mentor them. Guide them. Love them. 

All this to say, you will suffer, whatever it is you’re working towards will suffer and so will the person you’re scrutinizing, if you don’t get some awareness, stat. It will take that person a lot of rejection and heartbreak to learn that, it wasn’t them. Unfortunately for the firecracker that got away, you and others like you, or the entire organization just weren’t ready for them, yet. 

I have a new perspective now. I sit behind a desk for less than a few hours a day, and when I’m there, my view is that of a playroom of toys scattered around. What I am certain of, though, is that my experience has only made me better, wiser, some may say more intimidating, but I’ll be damned if I’m not more proud of myself than ever. I am surrounded by people who seek me, my experience, advice and/or opinions and my tenacity. 

I’m so thankful for my spark. 

A letter to new mommas

Dear pregnant/new mom:

I've been thinking about you because I had and still have those same exact feelings of anxiety that you're struggling with before baby arrives. I also struggle with trying to be perfect. In my world, there isn't room for failure. Now that I am a parent, all I seem to do is fail and it's wearing on me.

I don't know if what I am about to say will make a whole lot of sense. I do wish, however, someone had told me these things before now. It's basically a lot of confessing and admitting the downfalls that I have as a person and as a parent.

Lately, the anxiety and the worry about being "good enough" and raising my kids the right way - being kind, with listening ears and obeying hearts - is through the roof. G is at the age where he is testing every possible limit, figuring his own way around his 2 year old world, and learning some hard lessons with lots of tears along the way. On the flip side, he is still the sweetest little kid and I am blessed that he is mine. However, the devil is really at work right now. In church a few Sundays ago, the pastor read a scripture that essentially said demons knew Jesus was the Holy One, Son of God. Satan knows where the links are the weakest in that moment and when to strike.  Praying through fear, praying through weakness has never been easy for me. In my experience, the enemy usually comes at me with a full on assault of my marriage and my self image. Satan knows where God is and he knows when and what to whisper into our desperate ears. He can worm his way into hearts that are desperately trying to overcome fear, desperately wanting to do the right thing, and desperately trying to hold it all together - these are a few of the many examples our world as a parent seem to hang by threads.

I don't say all of that to freak you out. I say it to remind you that God is with you, He is in your marriage, He is a cry out away. And so are your friends and family.

I have a confession: Good parenting is really, really difficult. Keyword here is "good". If it is hard, you're doing something right. I know that sounds crazy and like an oxymoron, but I know it to be true. I can't give you a special formula to get rid of the anxiety or the struggle to be the perfect mom. All I can say is that parenting is an adventure. It is full of the highest highs and some of the lowest lows. It is full of celebration and full of tears. It is the most rewarding job on the planet.

I mainly want you to know that you're not alone. It isn't talked about enough but please remember that there are other moms struggling right along with you and it is okay to reach out and to ask for help. I still don't know how to reach out all the time - to raise the white flag and ask for help. I'm getting there, though. I know that every time I get the courage to confide in someone that I come out feeling not quite as lost or alone. I also know the enemy tries even harder so keep your chin up and your prayers coming! Your spouse will be a major support to you but you'll also find that sometimes you will need a friend or family member to speak truth to you.

The ride is only beginning and I cannot wait for you to see and experience all that God has in store. I'm literally giddy with excitement for you! 

Thirty & Thriving

I'm writing this a few days early because it seems like everything else for my husband's 30th birthday has been put off or put on hold. I also know deep down, this is the best gift I can give him...A kind word of affirmation is one of his strongest love languages and one I fail at daily.

To my husband on his birthday,

While I know that I may drive you to your wits end more often than not, please know that my love for you has no bounds. I have made many mistakes in my life and since being your wife but marrying you has never been one of them. I am proud of your hard work and support of our family, your drive is second to none. I am thankful for the unconditional love you show me and baby G, what an amazing example you are to our family, and without it you surely would have kicked my butt to the curb by now. I am in awe of your willingness to try when things are tough since it's usually me who is pushing back and making things worse. I am so lucky that your patience and tolerance is greater than most, you make our home a whole lot calmer and I know baby G is a happy camper because of it. I appreciate your support of my goals, dreams and ambitions no matter how off the wall or crazy they may seem.

You are my everything even though I know you shouldn't be.

The past year was pretty uneventful when compared to others we've shared together. Unfortunately for you, I thrive on events and milestones (and maybe some chaos) so this one was a little rocky as I stirred the pot many times, ultimately creating unnecessary drama (no surprise there). However, through all the messes I've made, you've stuck by me and continually taught me new things. I learned this past year that even though you are my husband and one of my best friends, you aren't required (or supposed) to be my counselor, teacher, mentor, boss, coworker, peer, subordinate, maid, babysitter, cook, chauffeur, personal assistant, priest, father, or my sole-source-support-system. That's why God created community.

I'm sorry if I have ever made you feel inadequate. You really are my perfect portion...I just get greedy and needy sometimes, my issue - not yours.

There are so many things you don't realize you're signing up for on your wedding day, so many vows taken that aren't stated. This year, I vow to only ask that you be my husband and G's 'dada' and I promise not to overstep that boundary. Even though you are more than capable of being all things to all people, I want to bring the stress notch down a few and enjoy the next 100 years with you. I also promise to practice what I'm preaching... words of affirmation are on the top of my gift list to you accompanied by intentionally showing you love in all the other ways you receive it! I vow to listen with my ears open and my mouth shut, to try to be as tidy as possible (I said try), and to trust your 'husbanding' skills above my own stubbornness.

While personally I feel that 29 was an incredible growth year for you and us, I think 30 is going to be your best year yet. You've accomplished so much, so hopefully I can contribute to the greatness that I know 30 will bring you.

Many wishes on your big day. I love you with everything that I am and everything I want to be, simply put - your wife (and baby momma).

Here's to being thirty and thriving!

Can't Stop, Won't Stop...

Well, I did it. I started my own business. It is an online women's boutique! I've only shared this dream of mine with a select few people and it's finally becoming a reality!

I did all the right things before starting... I had the idea, the passion, I sent prayers and consulted with my husband. I had the most realistic dream about it, read a book and some articles....then it hit me like a ton of bricks, pushing me right over the cliff... and so began LucyGrant.

I'm working on the website...I've purchased inventory... I've researched and advertised and set up all sorts of accounts... I've taken pictures and posted and reposted... But, I haven't made it big yet... YET!

Starting a business is truly a test of many things.

My patience has been tested
My self confidence has been tested
My faith has been tested
My abilities have been tested

But...

I know in my heart this is what I want to do. I know that through this new adventure, and trusting God, that I'll be able to glorify Him and His goodness.

Now for something you might not know...

I want to utilize my new business to inspire women. I want to empower them. I want to spread beauty and love. I want to help build up, restore and encourage. Self image, self worth, self confidence are all MAJORLY important to me. My hope is that, through LucyGrant, I will be able to reach the hearts of many and help them to know their worth in His name via encouraging messages, a new blog, and maybe the sale of a few pieces of clothing... in His name and not in vain.