Adult Nightmares

Aren't nightmares the worst? You would think an adult would be able to shake it off and get right back to sleep right? Wrong.

I know why I'm still awake at 3:30am... And surprisingly it's not my husband's snoring... It's because this wasn't just a scary dream type nightmare, it was a blast from the past that brought back all sorts of awful feelings and lots of emotion. 

Because of this nightmare, I'm wide awake, reliving the day a person I cared for very deeply drove off in a U haul after being in an on-again, off-again relationship. "That's not so bad," you might be thinking but this person left me heartbroken. I woke up and immediately felt those same feelings. I am sad that I allowed that to happen to myself, knowing full well that the relationship was going no where. I feel angry at this person, again. I feel like I need to reach out to all the young girls in the world and tell them to be strong, bold, and smart.

Sure, I was warned, but how awful that something from so long ago still effects me. 

It has prompted me to send my son an email to an account we set up for him (during normal daytime hours). I plan to explain the whole situation and explain how and why I was hurt so badly.. I don't plan on ragging on this person and don't mean to now. I just want my son to understand how wrong it was for this person to let things go as long as they did, as intimately as they did, all the while he knew he wasn't going to stay or even ask me to go with him when he decided to relocate. Hopefully he can glean something from the story... like how making decisions to be with someone or not and how a particular decision, that can potentially have a lasting effect on someone, is not to be taken lightly.  

It's not the person I am missing, it's not even about missing anyone or about this person at all. It's simple - guys- don't lead girls on. It's not nice. It hurts a lot. And it effects them for years to come (sadly). And that really sucks. People are fragile. They bruise easily, even if they tell you otherwise. 

I asked this person to never contact me again if they decided to drive off that day. He drove off. We communicated via linked in once... and his attitude was that of someone who didn't realize the weight of what they had done. Since then I haven't even thought about him, but the hurt is still there. But why is it so painful? It's just the principal of it all. No one deserves to be treated that way. I should have been stronger and wiser at this point in my life, but I wasn't.

My only wish now is hopefully someone benefits from this post somehow. 

It's okay to walk away from something knowing it won't workout. It's so hard. So so hard. But God totally has a million other things waiting for you that are ten times better than anything you can imagine. If even the slightest thing feels wrong, please move on. Don't force anything because you have your whole life to work at a marriage with someone who is deserving of your time, attention, efforts and love. Plus, if you do move on before getting hurt, you won't be where I am years later, wide awake at 3:45am reminiscing about all the ways you saw it coming and all the heartbreak that came with wanting something that wasn't worth it. However, I am also counting my blessings and realizing for the billionth time how eternally grateful  I am for the man I get to call my husband and father to my son. He is a wonderful example of a man. 

And goodness if this isn't the truth... 

Thirty & Thriving

I'm writing this a few days early because it seems like everything else for my husband's 30th birthday has been put off or put on hold. I also know deep down, this is the best gift I can give him...A kind word of affirmation is one of his strongest love languages and one I fail at daily.

To my husband on his birthday,

While I know that I may drive you to your wits end more often than not, please know that my love for you has no bounds. I have made many mistakes in my life and since being your wife but marrying you has never been one of them. I am proud of your hard work and support of our family, your drive is second to none. I am thankful for the unconditional love you show me and baby G, what an amazing example you are to our family, and without it you surely would have kicked my butt to the curb by now. I am in awe of your willingness to try when things are tough since it's usually me who is pushing back and making things worse. I am so lucky that your patience and tolerance is greater than most, you make our home a whole lot calmer and I know baby G is a happy camper because of it. I appreciate your support of my goals, dreams and ambitions no matter how off the wall or crazy they may seem.

You are my everything even though I know you shouldn't be.

The past year was pretty uneventful when compared to others we've shared together. Unfortunately for you, I thrive on events and milestones (and maybe some chaos) so this one was a little rocky as I stirred the pot many times, ultimately creating unnecessary drama (no surprise there). However, through all the messes I've made, you've stuck by me and continually taught me new things. I learned this past year that even though you are my husband and one of my best friends, you aren't required (or supposed) to be my counselor, teacher, mentor, boss, coworker, peer, subordinate, maid, babysitter, cook, chauffeur, personal assistant, priest, father, or my sole-source-support-system. That's why God created community.

I'm sorry if I have ever made you feel inadequate. You really are my perfect portion...I just get greedy and needy sometimes, my issue - not yours.

There are so many things you don't realize you're signing up for on your wedding day, so many vows taken that aren't stated. This year, I vow to only ask that you be my husband and G's 'dada' and I promise not to overstep that boundary. Even though you are more than capable of being all things to all people, I want to bring the stress notch down a few and enjoy the next 100 years with you. I also promise to practice what I'm preaching... words of affirmation are on the top of my gift list to you accompanied by intentionally showing you love in all the other ways you receive it! I vow to listen with my ears open and my mouth shut, to try to be as tidy as possible (I said try), and to trust your 'husbanding' skills above my own stubbornness.

While personally I feel that 29 was an incredible growth year for you and us, I think 30 is going to be your best year yet. You've accomplished so much, so hopefully I can contribute to the greatness that I know 30 will bring you.

Many wishes on your big day. I love you with everything that I am and everything I want to be, simply put - your wife (and baby momma).

Here's to being thirty and thriving!

Loneliness isn't just for those who are alone

Loneliness is not just a word that describes those who are alone in the world.

You could be surrounded by hundreds or thousands of people and still feel lonely. You could be single, without children, away from family and not feel the tiniest bit lonely. Loneliness for an introvert is the opposite of loneliness for an extrovert. Loneliness may be a feeling of longing or the act of removal. It can effect those who have a ton of friends or none at all and visa versa. Loneliness is different for different people.

No matter what it looks like or feels like, loneliness is not something many WANT to be or feel. It is also not something that most people ask for. Why in the heck would you? Loneliness can creep up from scary, dark places. It is on the Devil's side. It can bite you in the behind before you even know it. It can have an adverse effect on your relationships and your livelihood. It can beat you down to a pulp. It can whither you away to dust. Loneliness downright sucks... and it can suck the life right out of you.

If I could develop a product and write an infomercial for a cure to loneliness it would be called, "Community".

"Community" would be described as: a one in a million, tailor made per individual, solution that includes the communication and interaction of one to an infinite number of humans at any given time of day for any given amount of time to help aid in the following:
- Increasing the desire to do life
- Developing higher quality relationships (not increased quantity)
- Practicing accountability
- Learning how to be a better partner
- Understanding what it means to be a good friend
- Bringing you closer to the Lord

Ultimately eliminating loneliness for good!

Side effects would most certainly include - laughing, crying, eating, talking, listening, sharing, enjoying, living, consoling, confiding, benefiting, texting, joking, growing, and so many other wonderful feels that simply are not compatible with loneliness.

Oh wait... community does exist. The hard part is creating it. Take a leap of faith and create community in the new year. Don't fall for the #NewYearNewYou BS.... Face the new year and become a more fabulous version of you along with those you want to form community with. Go to dinner, share in a sport, host people at your house, join a small group or create your own, call or text someone, REACH OUT! I guarantee you, the first person you think of is crying out for community, too.

You won't fail, I promise. God is on your side! Here is to 2016.

Can't Stop, Won't Stop...

Well, I did it. I started my own business. It is an online women's boutique! I've only shared this dream of mine with a select few people and it's finally becoming a reality!

I did all the right things before starting... I had the idea, the passion, I sent prayers and consulted with my husband. I had the most realistic dream about it, read a book and some articles....then it hit me like a ton of bricks, pushing me right over the cliff... and so began LucyGrant.

I'm working on the website...I've purchased inventory... I've researched and advertised and set up all sorts of accounts... I've taken pictures and posted and reposted... But, I haven't made it big yet... YET!

Starting a business is truly a test of many things.

My patience has been tested
My self confidence has been tested
My faith has been tested
My abilities have been tested

But...

I know in my heart this is what I want to do. I know that through this new adventure, and trusting God, that I'll be able to glorify Him and His goodness.

Now for something you might not know...

I want to utilize my new business to inspire women. I want to empower them. I want to spread beauty and love. I want to help build up, restore and encourage. Self image, self worth, self confidence are all MAJORLY important to me. My hope is that, through LucyGrant, I will be able to reach the hearts of many and help them to know their worth in His name via encouraging messages, a new blog, and maybe the sale of a few pieces of clothing... in His name and not in vain.

God chose you

My husband likes to send me things throughout the day. Sometimes they are funny vine videos or memes or interesting articles. Then there are those times he sends a video or article that catches me off guard and sends me into full on meltdown mode.

He sent me this video today... Grab a tissue mommas

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=uyWADizqtHk&feature=youtu.be

Garth Brooks sings "Mom"

What a sweet song! I hope that's the conversation God had with our sweet boy. I hope he always knows that our love for him is endless. 

Something else to take away... You were chosen for your child. So when you think you've got it all wrong, when you feel like nothing your doing is right, or when you feel like you have no idea what to do next... Remember that God made you a momma to your child(ren)...biological or foster or adopted or unofficial or however you're a "parent", God chose you for that person (little or big, brand new or grown). If you're waiting for God to choose you, keep praying.... He has someone or a few little someones lined up for you! 

PS- He is also our instructor and the bible is our instruction book. Oh and Google.... Google is helpful! 

PSS- I think my husband likes to make me cry! 

Have a love filled weekend! 

Lessons learned

I've had quite a few jobs in my day - too many - however, I have learned some valuable lessons at each and I continue to learn even now.

 

Learning keeps us young and I plan to stay young for quite some time, thank you!

Job #1 - I learned the value of my position and appreciation from fellow employees only came with tenure. I should have held onto that because since job #1 I have had 6 others since college.

Job #2 - I didn't quite understand doing what you loved was important but I realized that this particular job was not quite what I loved, but I stuck it out for two years anyway. I learned a lot about people at this job - it was the first job where someone openly didn't like me, for no reason. It wasn't until a few jobs later that I understood how unimportant 100% acceptance was.

 

Job #3 - I thought this was the job for me. I loved it. But then I learned the hard way that being a workaholic wasn't very cool. It was a hard fact to face when I still didn't quite understand the difference between being a workaholic and being a hard worker. I got burnt out, landed in a hospital bed, and then shipped by butt back home.

 

Job #4 - I learned that everyone wants to make a buck and sometimes you land in a terrible position because someone made money off of you.

Job #5 - I learned that interviewing your potential employer is just as important as them interviewing you. However, knowing how to sell myself means there are other people who know how to sell themselves. It's a double edge sword - especially when you're faced with an "I CAN'T WIN" scenario - day in and day out.

 

Job #6 - I finally started to get it! I finally started to learn from my past mistakes in job searching and selection. It took four months to find this job, and even in all my desperation, I took this job because I felt it was the right fit for me. Surprisingly, this is where I learned the most about myself, what is important to me, and about being a true business woman. This is where I learned that there is NOTHING, absolutely NOTHING you can do to make certain people like you, let alone tolerate your existence. I still have to protect myself and I don't even work there anymore. I realized that there are people in this world who are truly missing out on what life has to offer because they are so concerned with comparing what they have, or don't have, to some outrageous and unjustifiable standard. I also realized that the "mean girls" in high school, also existed in the real world, and there again, is no explanation for it.

 

As much as I loved and enjoyed the work I was doing, I accepted the fact that I could not do it all, I could not wear 500 hats, and I could not balance 100 plates. End of story. I learned what a Queen Bee was and that I was a victim. Also, that any male boss is likely to be oblivious to the workings of a Queen Bee. Which really sucks. But then I decided that could be another learning point. I learned how to be tough, be a business woman, and let it "roll off like Teflon" as a friend has been telling my since college, and that there is always tomorrow. I learned to control my emotions and the difference between hard work and workaholic (finally!). I learned to do what I could, to do what I knew was right and that God would protect me from any evil doers. I noticed that praying throughout the day, asking God for protection and wisdom, were the ropes that pulled me through each day. And then I moved to be with G.

Job #7 - I don't love this job. I don't hate this job. I am good here. I have a work/life balance. I make a good living. I have Christian coworkers and an understanding boss. I have finally realized that I need to just sit and wait on God. I might be here 6 months or 6 years. There is room for advancement but I won't kill myself getting there. I haven't encountered any Queen Bees and I get to eat good food all week - it is a restaurant group after all.

 

I am in the process of fully understanding what it means to live life to the fullest. I am a dreamer and a planner and an inventor of all things outlandish. My mind never stops thinking about, "what next". What I want for my life one day might change 100 times (thankfully, G is a patient man!). To really take advantage of each day might mean one thing to me, and mean something totally different to next guy. To me it means, spending quality time with G, making time for the fun things (like shopping) and working in the not so fun chores of life (like cleaning), taking each opportunity to see family and friends, to leave work on time, to plan and talk about exciting events in your life (like a wedding, honeymoon, and eventually a new home and babies), to go on dates and eat fancy meals, to get out of town, to dream, and to just be me.

 

Don't let your life pass you by...you only get one of them. It saddens me when people say "I can't do this or that". You're the only person stopping you. You can take a vacation. You can go to lunch with your best girlfriends. You can fall in love all over with your spouse. You can make someone's day. You can sell your stuff and become a gypsy! Take what you learn every day and apply it to the next. Don't stop dreaming and believing that the world is your oyster, because it is, even if all you want to do is sit on the couch and watch TV. There are lots of lessons to learn in life that will shape you into who you are and can help get you to who and where you want to be. Keep living. Keep dreaming. You're allowed.