A letter to new mommas

Dear pregnant/new mom:

I've been thinking about you because I had and still have those same exact feelings of anxiety that you're struggling with before baby arrives. I also struggle with trying to be perfect. In my world, there isn't room for failure. Now that I am a parent, all I seem to do is fail and it's wearing on me.

I don't know if what I am about to say will make a whole lot of sense. I do wish, however, someone had told me these things before now. It's basically a lot of confessing and admitting the downfalls that I have as a person and as a parent.

Lately, the anxiety and the worry about being "good enough" and raising my kids the right way - being kind, with listening ears and obeying hearts - is through the roof. G is at the age where he is testing every possible limit, figuring his own way around his 2 year old world, and learning some hard lessons with lots of tears along the way. On the flip side, he is still the sweetest little kid and I am blessed that he is mine. However, the devil is really at work right now. In church a few Sundays ago, the pastor read a scripture that essentially said demons knew Jesus was the Holy One, Son of God. Satan knows where the links are the weakest in that moment and when to strike.  Praying through fear, praying through weakness has never been easy for me. In my experience, the enemy usually comes at me with a full on assault of my marriage and my self image. Satan knows where God is and he knows when and what to whisper into our desperate ears. He can worm his way into hearts that are desperately trying to overcome fear, desperately wanting to do the right thing, and desperately trying to hold it all together - these are a few of the many examples our world as a parent seem to hang by threads.

I don't say all of that to freak you out. I say it to remind you that God is with you, He is in your marriage, He is a cry out away. And so are your friends and family.

I have a confession: Good parenting is really, really difficult. Keyword here is "good". If it is hard, you're doing something right. I know that sounds crazy and like an oxymoron, but I know it to be true. I can't give you a special formula to get rid of the anxiety or the struggle to be the perfect mom. All I can say is that parenting is an adventure. It is full of the highest highs and some of the lowest lows. It is full of celebration and full of tears. It is the most rewarding job on the planet.

I mainly want you to know that you're not alone. It isn't talked about enough but please remember that there are other moms struggling right along with you and it is okay to reach out and to ask for help. I still don't know how to reach out all the time - to raise the white flag and ask for help. I'm getting there, though. I know that every time I get the courage to confide in someone that I come out feeling not quite as lost or alone. I also know the enemy tries even harder so keep your chin up and your prayers coming! Your spouse will be a major support to you but you'll also find that sometimes you will need a friend or family member to speak truth to you.

The ride is only beginning and I cannot wait for you to see and experience all that God has in store. I'm literally giddy with excitement for you! 

He is still there

These days we are definitely in the 'thick' of things. I have seriously confided in few and opened up to many about the struggle that is parenting a 2 year old and worrying if he is destined to be a little jerk forever. You know what is really disappointing? Very few, maybe 1 person, reassured me that "He is still there". What do I mean, you ask?

Us parents have all seen those days and those moments where your nice, sweet, loving and easy going 2 year old seems to be overtaken by some form of demon child. It is tough, so hard, to parent through those times. You might want to perform an exorcism or call The Nanny (you know, that show) or a child psychiatrist to help "diagnose" them. You might also want to throw them out the window or beat them to a pulp - you know I'm right.

Of all the momma's and daddy's I've talked to, most respond with things like:
- Oh, terrible 2's!
- Yep, welcome to the twonage year
- That's parenting for you
- Toughen up

Ouch.

So, I'm here to encourage you! I want to remind you that your sweet, loving, kindhearted little baby is still in there... somewhere. I want to remind you that this is NORMAL. Yes, you might need to toughen up (I do!). Yes, you might have to accept that your child isn't perfect. However, I promise you will get through this tough time. Your molding and forming a strong, independent little person. One day you will be glad that they learned the word "NO" and that they learned to stand up for themselves. In the mean time, during this really difficult time, remember that your baby is still there. They love you and need you and require guidance and an equal amount of grace.

Just like evil can easily pull our eyes from God, so can being wrapped up in the "bad" of our children. Remember, they are broken and sinners just like us and they need lots of love and lots of teaching.

Oh, and give yourself some grace, too! Hang in there - the days are long but the years are short.

Insane Expectations

Yesterday was a big deal. The 15th of February, to be exact. Yesterday, four years ago, my man asked me to be his forever. Obviously, I said yes and here we are, doing this thing called life and rockin' it (read: fakin' it till we make it)!

Even though yesterday was like most days, between work, a toddler and a baby - it was insane and overly eventful. To say that we were tired and ready to give up, throw on our pajamas, eat ice cream out of the carton, not say a word to one another and slowly drift off to sleep after staring at our phones for an hour...is an understatement. But, we did it. We got through the day, we adulted, we went to community group, we put on happy faces. Unfortunately, we still went to bed without a word to one another. Real talk. Real life.

The worst part about yesterday, such a special day, was that I was mad at him most of it. I woke up this morning thinking, "here we go," fed the baby and got to work. Then I started to think, while the house was still quiet, and I realized that I wanted a do-over. I wanted to try again at yesterday because I have this insane expectation of my husband that is totally unfair to him. I expect him to be a mind reader, a fortune teller, Gilligan and the millionaire. Kidding.

Stress is a killer... it's a snake that comes in and steals joy and sucks the life right out of us! Who handles stress as poorly as I do?? I am going to imagine that a sea of hands are raised because I do NOT want to be alone in this.

Another question, why do we treat those closest to us, the worst? He is an amazingly perceptive guy, way better than I am. He knows when I am failing and always rescues me from my own catastrophes. He does all. the. things. All the things, and more! So why was/am I so harsh? Why did I let stress impact our special day?

Who do you have insane expectations set for, if anyone? How can we get a grip and come back to earth?

I think my post about grace hits the nail on the head. Grace for self and grace for others goes a really long way. I also know I have to change my outlook on stress, to see it as a challenge and a way to grow instead of as a hindrance and total buzz kill. Lastly, I know I need to respect and love and cherish the man that got down on one knee and asked me to be his wife.

So today I am giving myself a second chance - whether he likes it or not - and I am going to be better than I was yesterday. I am going to make myself slow down, to have a conversation with him, to kiss and hug him when we get home and to not jump down his throat if my day ends up in the garbage.

Grace Defined

I've recently noticed a theme of 'grace' in my life and I really think it's something that we don't talk about enough.

What is grace? 

By definition 'grace' is simple elegance or refinement of movement, ie. elegance and finesse. In Christian belief, 'grace' is the free and unmerited favor of God or God's love towards men who deserve the opposite. It's forgiving AND forgetting. 

I'm really interested in the act of showing grace and what that looks like, mainly because I've been in several situations lately where I've needed it or have needed to show others how to give it. 

How do we show grace? 

Grace, to me, is an exalted level or epitome of kindness. It's not just helping an older person or giving a child something they need or treating your neighbor with respect. It's more than that. It's love in action. It's saying you accept someone despite the struggles you may have with them. It's forgiveness of self and others. 

When should we show and ask for grace? 

Grace is good. All the time. We should be throwing grace around like confetti. The most perfect of all is the One who gives grace the most freely. Without His grace we would be in much worse shape. You can never ask for too much and you can never show it too much. 

Showing grace gives us the ability to move on from those things that hold us back. Now, if you think about it, humbly asking for grace and openly giving grace is the perfect combination for - conflict resolution internally and externally as well as, learning how to live in community with one another, to trust our leaders, to love our significant others, and to raise our children to the best of our abilities.

Some things to keep in mind in 2017:

Show yourself grace when you try and fail. Show your partner grace when they've wronged you but you know divorce is also not the answer. Ask for grace when you know you should parent better but lose your cool one too many times. Show grace when confronting and trying to remedy a situation. Show grace when you know someone needs to be cut some slack. Remind yourself that grace is necessary for refinement. 

Welcome 2017!

One of my many New Years resolutions is to write more.

So instead of scrolling through social media (Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, Timehop, then back to Facebook or Instagram, or maybe over to Pinterest or Houzz) I've opened up my notes app.

I have so many things to jot down, not just for you {sorry} but for myself. I want to remember everything. I have the worst memory so it's actually really important. Writing has always made me feel better, too. I was that girl, the one with the diary, who wrote religiously. I am still that woman who loves a good notebook to fill... just wish those notebook pages would translate into typed print! Although, the only downfall to blogging publicly is I can't share everything. Maybe I will keep journaling for my deepest thoughts and biggest secrets - sorry, this is not a tell all.

Sidebar: I kept a journal (the thing you hand write in) for G while dating and all through our engagement. I gave it to him at our rehearsal dinner and some low life broke into the truck on our wedding day and stole it.... along with his tux, my wedding band, a watch and his work bag. Needless to say he only read a page of it. I tried to do it again the first year of our marriage but I never finished and never gave it to him. That makes me sad. I'll give it to him tonight if I can even find it.

Ok back to the topic... New Years resolutions are tough. I believe they are anyways. Mainly because it is often an unrealistic goal for the person setting them. Let's see, for me, a practical goal would be... 2x a month posting. I figure if I put it to paper (app) then I am holding myself more accountable. I wish I could commit to more but I return to work next Monday. Yes, maternity leave is ending with Baby #2 and, as with baby #1, I am a mess about it. More on maternity leave and what that has looked like, later.

Welcome, 2017!