Such a baby!

My mom sends me stuff relatively often that leaves me rather choked up. I am such a baby. But it's good stuff, nonetheless! This is from a Proverbs 31 devotional she sent me this morning...

“And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.” Hebrews 11:6 (NIV)
 
Well, darn it all! I don't deserve a reward...at all! I believe in Him and have faith in Him but I'm not the most earnest seeker. And then, to top it all off, I fall more than short of the faith line. I was upset because there are things I want to let go of, that I've desperately TRIED to let go of, that I would much rather not ever worry about...but I know that I haven't given over full control of the situation.

It's those situations where if "x" would happen I would be happier, or if "y" were  a for sure thing then things would be awesome, etc. I am so afraid that He will keep telling me "no", over and over and over. I don't even think I'm afraid of being told "no" as much as I am afraid of having to accept it, get over it, be okay with it never happening. Here is a snippet of the devotional (full link is at the bottom):

"We can envision ourself with this thing, this person, this opportunity. And all things are better. So, why doesn’t God give us this longing of our heart?

Because He wants us to willingly release it to Him.

Ouch.

Not the answer we want. Why would God let the aching desire linger and not make things happen? He could. He’s certainly able. But when He doesn’t it seems unfair. Not good. Confusing.

It’s easy to get down when we’re constantly let down."

That scares the living day lights out of me!!! That's why I was acting a fool and tearing up earlier. It's most definitely NOT what I wanted to hear. I'm big on that, wanting to hear certain things, and that's never a good idea.

The lady writing the devotional is trying to sell me on the idea that if I were to just "let go and let God" that I would be rewarded. But I just CANNOT imagine letting go of some of my biggest hopes and dreams - especially when there are so many in my life who keep trying to encourage me ( and some who reprimand me and incessantly point out my mistakes). I want to believe that I have DESIRES in my heart for a REASON. I want to believe my friends and family when they say "your time will come".

All I can do is pray for God to change my heart's unmet longings. I don't think I will ever be okay with accepting "no" as the final answer unless my heart can rest easy with peace and understanding. Call me stubborn...

Dear Lord, I sacrifice chasing this so I might more fully and with more focus chase You. I release this grip of desire. I praise You for who You are, what only You can bring, and how You will fill whatever gap this release might leave. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Her words, not mine...but important prayer to be said.

The link to the devotional, as promised!