Think about what you're thinking about

An excerpt from Joyce Meyer's devotional "Battlefield of the Mind"

"...Whatever we focus on, we become...Wherever we put our energies or our attention, those things will develop...

If we focus only on the negative things in our lives, we become negative people. Everything, including our conversations, becomes negative. We soon lose our joy and live miserable lives--and it all started with our own thinking."

Joyce and I both challenge you to think about what you're thinking about.

I think... A lot! More than any sane human should. Maybe I'm insane. There I go again! It's a vicious cycle. One that can definitely lead to depression, discouragement, and a myriad of other downward spiraling, cause and effect situations. When we think negatively we are fueling a fire of unwelcome emotions.

I did this the other day. I sat in my bed and thought until 5 am. It wasn't constructive. Thankfully I have amazing family and friends to pull me out of such dumpy places.

One friend reminded me, ever so simply and sweetly, that we are fearfully and wonderfully LOVED. Also, that we are human beings, not human doings. So no matter how badly we think we suck, God loves us immensely! We can go to Him for anything. He is our Father. Literally!

I go to my dad for everything!!!! Good, bad, and ugly! Car accidents being the most recent. But also to share in good times and thankfulness for life in general. We shouldn't think negatively about ourselves or situations we may be in. Bad things happen, we sin, we mess up, stuff doesn't quite pan out the way we had hoped, but a Father's love is insurmountable and all encompassing. There is a reason, too, a method to the madness, if you will. Sometimes we will understand and sometimes we won't. But positive thinking, faith in our Father, and thankfulness for life's blessings are so critical.

A few more words to leave you with from Joyce...

"We should choose our thoughts carefully. We can think about what is wrong with our lives or about what is right with them. We can think about what is wrong with all the people we are in relationship with or we can see the good and meditate on that. The Bible teaches us to always believe the best. When we do that, it makes our own lives happier and more peaceful."

Happy thinking, friends!

Lord have mercy-that's all I got

Well...friends...family...etc, 25 is slowly rearing it's ugly head...28 days and counting. What a whirlwind the last few weeks have been. Let's be honest... New friends, job interviews, life revelations, boys to date, relational maturity, I could go on. Some of those matter more than others. Maybe I'm only being honest because I'm on red wine glass #2...REGARDLESS!!!

Side note- I had a boss who used to say "irregardless" and that, dear readers, is NOT A FLIPPING WORD!!! just FYI :)

Anyways - Joshua Radin is singing about how "It's a Brand New Day" in the background and all I can think about is, the cycle never DOES end (check lyrics). I almost wish it would. I'm over it. I'll be ok though.

The waiting game is killing me, to be frank. Not about a job. I didn't interview for WEEKS for a reason. Interviewing means having to tell people "no". Interviewing is not a weakness. Talking to new people is not a weakness. Hence the reason I waited so long to kick start this whole "find a job" thing. I think I've narrowed it down to a good three choices. All totally different- one is a nonprofit position (being groomed for the VP of finance), another at a media company as a senior (have a few reservations but seems to be a great company and position), and one at a public accounting form (been there, done that , but WHO KNOWS, maybe I could do it again).

Now Jon McLaughlin sings about "Beautiful Disasters"

"She would change everything for happy ever after. Caught in the in between, a beautiful disaster."

In other news- I signed a new lease. Not moving. Same place. 10 month lease. Didn't really feel like paying $300 more a month while trying to figure my life out. I made a firm commitment to SA and my family and to give SA a "chance", if you will. You might or might not be all streamers and party hats about that, not 100% I am, but I know in my insides it was the right move. Gotta love those gut feelings, eh?

Well, dear ones, here is to waiting. Never imagined my life this way but doing the best with what I've been dealt. And no lies- not sure I'm 100% happy about that either. The big man upstairs and I have had a lot of talks....for a while now. I did so well for so long. Accomplished so much in such a short time. Now what.... What the heck??? I imagined so much more for my life by now. I don't know what God has planned, He has been rather tight lipped about it too, so I wait... Always waiting. Patience is NOT my best attribute... At all.

I definitely feel like that Jon McLaughlin song. :-/ C'mon... Who wants to tell me "this too shall pass" - highly advise against it. Just acquiesce in silence, that'd be ideal. Hope you're well, sorry for such a somber entry. Better next time. Promise :)

Vegas in october?!?!

Waiting for the brother in law smart mouth special any minute... Ha!

Life of the Unemployed

Well, I have been unemployed now for 4 weeks. That is the longest I haven’t worked since I was 16, minus my freshman year of college! Now I am an old woman! Almost 25, people!!!

Roll your eyes, I know you want to…

Anyways, life’s been really busy, actually (would you expect anything less from me?) and the last 4 weeks have FLOWN by. My most favorite thing about being off has been meeting new people and reconnecting with old friends. It’s amazing what you can learn from your family, friends, and other people in your life. I haven’t written anything in months I feel like and that makes me sad.

So what was I thinking when I quit my job, you might ask? I have no idea but I know that it was the right decision. My heart has never been surer of something. And now…dun dun dun… its creeping back into the unsure area.

“What now?” you might ask next. In fact, many of you have asked…and my answer is “I have no idea!” Here are the options that I have considered:

-          Finding a job here in SA – in industry

-          Finding a job here in SA – in public accounting

-          Taking one of two possible opportunities in D

-          Going BACK to school (holy!) for my PhD in organizational development…because what else would I get?

-          Starting my own business….uhhhh that’s kind of a stretch

-          Becoming a hippy

-          Becoming a gypsy and just traveling around in Lexi until the repo man comes haha

That’s about all I’ve come up with.

So for the more interesting part of all this -the art (really a struggle) of waiting on the Lord. I have never actually done that… I don’t think…wait… nope… definitely not. I’ve always done what I want. I’ve always just consumed myself in LIFE STUFF and never just sat and asked… ”Lord, what’s the deal? What’s the plan, man? What the heck am I doing with my life?” Maybe I’ve asked the last one before but never sat long enough to figure out the answer.

And so, for those of you so eager to know what I’m doing with my life, I wish I could tell you. I haven’t quite gotten the “go ahead” on anything. However, I’ve done my due diligence in applying for more than a dozen jobs in SA, seeking out information on graduate/doctoral programs, and meeting with people in D. All that’s really left to do is wait for clarity. Waiting is really, REALLY hard. Haha I used to think that living in the Victorian or Renaissance era would be cool (because of the awesome clothes) until someone pointed out the fact that I am a huge proponent of instant gratification and back then nothing was instant. So, yes, waiting is a challenge. But it’s been good (I think???). I’ve grown a lot actually. Been weeding out negative/bad things, working through personal things, and taking time to sit back and smell the roses (or the coffee, since half my time is spent at Starbucks, my “office” if you will).

 I know that God’s plan is the only plan I should have my eyes on. Deciphering between what is God’s will, what are my personal wants, and what is Satan’s way of confusing the heck out of me is the biggest obstacle.

So for now, I am going to enjoy my time off, visit friends, try to do a bit of traveling, plan my Hawaii vacation, get in shape mentally, physically, and emotionally, pray for direction and clarity, and hope that it all works out before the money runs out! (Prayers greatly appreciated!)

Who are you?

"If you want to know me, you have to know this...."

What would you say? What do you stand for? Believe in? Feel? Care about?

Is it all for you and only you? Do you only do what you want to do because that's how you perceive "living life to the fullest"?

Do you have a pretty good idea that who you are is God's magnificent creation?

What about what you do? Is it God's will? Do you know what God's will for your life is?

Is there a burning desire for something/someone that you've never been able to over come?

Ever thought about why it's there?

What would you tell someone if they wanted to know you? What is in your heart? Who are you?

Just some questions I've been asking myself lately as I find myself having to tell people about who I am. Whether I am meeting someone in a social setting, over coffee, in a business meeting, at a networking event, etc....I find that I am the only person who represents me.

If you want to know me, you have to know this...I love God, my family and friends; I'm a tenacious firecracker who doesn't give up easily; I LOVE, love; I'm a listener and a talker; I feel too much sometimes, care too much all the time, and definitely do NOT have things figured out; I'm a desperate wanderer still trying to figure out what God's plan is; I am new to the practice of taking life a day at a time.

Happy Birthday to my BFF!

Two years ago today, the good Lord blessed our entire family with the most beautiful thing to ever walk the earth. My niece - Z. I remember leaving the night time Easter service Saturday night, April 3^rd 2010 and getting a text from my brother in law that they were on the way to the hospital. I was told to hang tight until they admitted my sister into the hospital. I didn’t sleep a wink. Got in the car at 5am, hauled butt to San Antonio from Dallas, and made it within 45 minutes of her birth. It was love at first sight – and a huge stream of tears. 

On my way to work this morning a song by Nichole Nordeman & Amy Grant came on and it made me cry! It’s called “I’m With You” and it’s perfect. In December of 2010, before she was even a year old, I knew that my niece would fill a huge void that no one ever would. This describes a bit of what was going on in my heart at the time:

“Love is a hurricane in a blue sky
I didn’t see it coming, never knew why
All the laughter and the dreams
All the memories in between
Washed away in a steady stream

Love is a hunger; a famine in your soul
I thought I planted beauty, but it would never grow.
Now I’m on my hands and knees
trying to gather up my dreams
trying to hold on to anything”

But then when the dust settled and my prayers for filling a void were answered – all I saw was Z. And now I feel like this:

“You do your best to build a higher wall
To keep love safe from any wrecking ball
When the dust has cleared, we will
See the house that love rebuilds
Guarding beauty that lives here still

It’s you and me, me and you
Where you go I’ll go too
I’m with you, I’m with you
Until your heart, finds a home
I won’t let you feel alone
I’m with you, I’m with you

Who can say I’m left with nothing
When I have all of you, all of you, yeah
In the way you’ve always loved me
I remember. He does too”

Even though she is only 2 and probably just thinks of me as her awesome T Jess - I will never let Z go a day without knowing she is loved and that God will always be her rock – preschool, kinder, middle, even worse high school, college, down the aisle, and beyond – until the day I die. 

She is so intelligent, can carry a full conversation with you, she is witty, funny, charming, a little woman, beautiful inside and out, has big brown eyes yearning to know all about everything, an amazing imagination, a servants heart, and a particular kindness that you don’t see very often. And she is only 2! This kid is incredible. I am so proud to be her Aunt. 

Happy birthday, little woman!