Strange Things....

Have you been a certain way your whole life? Maybe you're extremely type A. Maybe you're career-driven. Maybe you're a foodie. Maybe you can't skip a day at the gym (or can't make it to the gym).

But then one day... maybe you're not that anymore. Things seem off. Something doesn't feel right. Your preferences change. Your outlook on life is different. Your priorities take a shift.

What a crazy, scary, hard thing to deal with! When over the course of a few months, your life suddenly seems like a foreign place, you know something is up.

Well, friends, I'm actually recovering from this and I am working towards accepting the 'new' me.

I was the little girl who played cash register, not house. I was the one who constantly role-played with Barbie and friend's about crazy-fun nights out, riding around in our Barbie convertible. I was the one creating check-lists and forms. I was the one playing dress-up with gowns and high heels, not aprons and flats.

These days, almost 17 months post-partum (yes, I have a 17 month old!), I realize that I am not who I once was. Obviously, I'm not 7 years old anymore but, seriously, at first it was very overwhelming. I didn't know what was wrong. I thought I was having a a mini mid-life crisis! I wasn't sure why I was feeling the way I was and I blamed everyone else. I was mad, angry, sad, confused and thought I had what felt like depression.

I prayed, I sought God's word, I read Jen Hatmaker's book "For the Love" (get it!)... and then, after months and months, the pieces started to fall into place. God's plan is unfolding before my very eyes and I am not shutting them for anything. His masterful ways are good and the affirmation I feel is that of abounding love. He loves me. He is taking care of my 28 year old mom-butt just like he did my 7 year old tiny-hiney.

If there seems to be a storm in your heart... Please hang tight! The beautiful life God has in store for you is just around the corner... even if it's not what you ever dreamed! Keep following your gut, be on the lookout for "God winks", and stay true to your heart... even in all of the chaos and confusion!

Stay tuned for more about these changes and ways of dealing with times like these.

A Servant's Heart

I saw this on facebook this morning and just had to share. 

Lately, I've been feeling very empty. I couldn't quite figure it out. I thought I was still going through waves of post-partum (which may be true) or figured maybe I was just being a baby or thought I just needed a change of attitude...WELL, turns out, the feeling of emptiness is caused by not having anything left to give.

I am a natural giver. It's gotten me into trouble with myself a time or two. I give until I have nothing left. I also give and wonder why the other person, people, job, whatever aren't appreciative anymore. It's almost like they are used to it and maybe don't realize they are sucking the life out of me??? It's a vicious cycle and it's very hard to know when E is approaching. It's not easy to self-regulate what you have left to give.

I realize that the way I feel should not and cannot be controlled by others actions (or lack thereof). I know that I have to take matters into my own hands to start to feel better, to feel more full.

So, instead of waiting on others to start appreciating me again, I'm practicing and praying for my servant heart to return. In the spirit of Valentine's Day, I'm focusing on those who I should have a servant's heart towards - my family and friends. I'm hoping to get back to my normal - being happy and joyful to serve others - very soon. 

But on the other hand - we can only take so much....#AmIRight ???? 

5 year old wisdom

When you need some encouragement who do you turn to? Your spouse/significant other? Mom or Dad? Best friend, maybe? Your dog or cat?

I'm happy to say I have many encouraging people in my life but one in particular is my niece. She is more wise than most people at just a mere five years old.

She has my whole heart and keeps me going even when I want to give up - and she doesn't even know she is helping.

My sister sent me a picture of her "I have a dream..." board, in light of MLK day and the upcoming Black History Month. She wrote, in her five year old handwriting, "I hope to be a doctor" and "I hope to read doctor books."

Now, I don't know about you, but my first thought was, "Good luck, kid!" But then I instantly retracted that thought from my head and replaced it with, "She can and she will if that's what she wants because this kid can do anything." She believes and has a faith like  none other.

And after thinking about it a minute, how cool is it that she was able to speak her goals so freely...without the fear of being judged? That's awesome! When I started my boutique people were in awe and wonder. They had no idea it was a dream of mine. And that's really sad...Not being able to freely talk about your goals because someone, somewhere ruined it along the way. I still get a little shy about it, but I'm working on that!

Her innocence is golden and her dreams are like a breath of fresh air. Because of the surety in my niece's statement, I know that we can all do anything. She says she wants to do those things, and she will. I say I want to be a successful mom, blogger and business owner and I will. Surround yourself with people who encourage and lift you up, who tell you that you are pretty even on your worst days, who speak life into your dreams and who lend an ear when you need one.

Oh, and be that person to others!

Adult Nightmares

Aren't nightmares the worst? You would think an adult would be able to shake it off and get right back to sleep right? Wrong.

I know why I'm still awake at 3:30am... And surprisingly it's not my husband's snoring... It's because this wasn't just a scary dream type nightmare, it was a blast from the past that brought back all sorts of awful feelings and lots of emotion. 

Because of this nightmare, I'm wide awake, reliving the day a person I cared for very deeply drove off in a U haul after being in an on-again, off-again relationship. "That's not so bad," you might be thinking but this person left me heartbroken. I woke up and immediately felt those same feelings. I am sad that I allowed that to happen to myself, knowing full well that the relationship was going no where. I feel angry at this person, again. I feel like I need to reach out to all the young girls in the world and tell them to be strong, bold, and smart.

Sure, I was warned, but how awful that something from so long ago still effects me. 

It has prompted me to send my son an email to an account we set up for him (during normal daytime hours). I plan to explain the whole situation and explain how and why I was hurt so badly.. I don't plan on ragging on this person and don't mean to now. I just want my son to understand how wrong it was for this person to let things go as long as they did, as intimately as they did, all the while he knew he wasn't going to stay or even ask me to go with him when he decided to relocate. Hopefully he can glean something from the story... like how making decisions to be with someone or not and how a particular decision, that can potentially have a lasting effect on someone, is not to be taken lightly.  

It's not the person I am missing, it's not even about missing anyone or about this person at all. It's simple - guys- don't lead girls on. It's not nice. It hurts a lot. And it effects them for years to come (sadly). And that really sucks. People are fragile. They bruise easily, even if they tell you otherwise. 

I asked this person to never contact me again if they decided to drive off that day. He drove off. We communicated via linked in once... and his attitude was that of someone who didn't realize the weight of what they had done. Since then I haven't even thought about him, but the hurt is still there. But why is it so painful? It's just the principal of it all. No one deserves to be treated that way. I should have been stronger and wiser at this point in my life, but I wasn't.

My only wish now is hopefully someone benefits from this post somehow. 

It's okay to walk away from something knowing it won't workout. It's so hard. So so hard. But God totally has a million other things waiting for you that are ten times better than anything you can imagine. If even the slightest thing feels wrong, please move on. Don't force anything because you have your whole life to work at a marriage with someone who is deserving of your time, attention, efforts and love. Plus, if you do move on before getting hurt, you won't be where I am years later, wide awake at 3:45am reminiscing about all the ways you saw it coming and all the heartbreak that came with wanting something that wasn't worth it. However, I am also counting my blessings and realizing for the billionth time how eternally grateful  I am for the man I get to call my husband and father to my son. He is a wonderful example of a man. 

And goodness if this isn't the truth... 

Thirty & Thriving

I'm writing this a few days early because it seems like everything else for my husband's 30th birthday has been put off or put on hold. I also know deep down, this is the best gift I can give him...A kind word of affirmation is one of his strongest love languages and one I fail at daily.

To my husband on his birthday,

While I know that I may drive you to your wits end more often than not, please know that my love for you has no bounds. I have made many mistakes in my life and since being your wife but marrying you has never been one of them. I am proud of your hard work and support of our family, your drive is second to none. I am thankful for the unconditional love you show me and baby G, what an amazing example you are to our family, and without it you surely would have kicked my butt to the curb by now. I am in awe of your willingness to try when things are tough since it's usually me who is pushing back and making things worse. I am so lucky that your patience and tolerance is greater than most, you make our home a whole lot calmer and I know baby G is a happy camper because of it. I appreciate your support of my goals, dreams and ambitions no matter how off the wall or crazy they may seem.

You are my everything even though I know you shouldn't be.

The past year was pretty uneventful when compared to others we've shared together. Unfortunately for you, I thrive on events and milestones (and maybe some chaos) so this one was a little rocky as I stirred the pot many times, ultimately creating unnecessary drama (no surprise there). However, through all the messes I've made, you've stuck by me and continually taught me new things. I learned this past year that even though you are my husband and one of my best friends, you aren't required (or supposed) to be my counselor, teacher, mentor, boss, coworker, peer, subordinate, maid, babysitter, cook, chauffeur, personal assistant, priest, father, or my sole-source-support-system. That's why God created community.

I'm sorry if I have ever made you feel inadequate. You really are my perfect portion...I just get greedy and needy sometimes, my issue - not yours.

There are so many things you don't realize you're signing up for on your wedding day, so many vows taken that aren't stated. This year, I vow to only ask that you be my husband and G's 'dada' and I promise not to overstep that boundary. Even though you are more than capable of being all things to all people, I want to bring the stress notch down a few and enjoy the next 100 years with you. I also promise to practice what I'm preaching... words of affirmation are on the top of my gift list to you accompanied by intentionally showing you love in all the other ways you receive it! I vow to listen with my ears open and my mouth shut, to try to be as tidy as possible (I said try), and to trust your 'husbanding' skills above my own stubbornness.

While personally I feel that 29 was an incredible growth year for you and us, I think 30 is going to be your best year yet. You've accomplished so much, so hopefully I can contribute to the greatness that I know 30 will bring you.

Many wishes on your big day. I love you with everything that I am and everything I want to be, simply put - your wife (and baby momma).

Here's to being thirty and thriving!